I just finished reading Cheri Huber’s book “I Don’t Want To, I Don’t Feel Like It: How Resistance Controls Your Life and What To Do About It” for the multi-time.
I love re-reading books I’ve read before because I am able to make distinctions and learn nuances that I may have missed in previous readings.
I re-read this book at this time because since it’s the beginning of a new year and I just got done setting some of my goals, I know that at some point resistance is going to come on the scene and I will not want to move forward with what I planned to do. Heck! To be honest, resistance already has come on the scene regarding writing for my blog. (I don’t write everyday like I had planned to do.)
The Process of Resistance
In the book, Cheri Huber shares the process of resistance and the many forms of how resistance can show up in our lives.
Here’s the process she lays out in pages 30-32:
- It starts with a sense that there’s something wrong with me. I’m overweight, I’m eating sugar again, the boss doesn’t seem happy with me, I’m arguing with my partner, yelling at the kids…
- I decide to make a change. I go on a diet/exercise program; I commit to working harder and being even nicer.
- Then I find I’m not keeping my commitment. I grab some ice cream as a treat because it was a hard day. I miss a workout. I feel annoyed with my boss. I feel tense, stressed, scared.
Soon I begin to feel bad beause I’m not keeping to my program.
- The conversation starts (in the head)…
“Here you go again. You’ll never change. You are such a loser. Always have been. Always will be…”
- And of course I believe it. How could I not? There’s so much evidence — all those times I started and didn’t keep up with what I said I’d do. It’s true! There really is something wrong with me.
I feel terrible, hopeless, despairing, exhausted.
- Then I think, “Well, maybe if I…” and I start down the road of figuring out what I need to do to fix it, to change me.
- And the resistance starts to build…
- I begin again at Step 1.
My Key Takeaways
What I’ve learned reading through the book again and contemplating the process of resistance is that as humans we are bamboozled by our Ego (our conditioning) in believing that we need to improve ourselves in order to feel worthy, be successful, to be deserving, etc. Therefore, in order to improve our self and “change for the better” we take on goals and change initiatives that we end up not sticking with because the entity that convinces us to change (i.e. the Ego) is the very same energy that introduces resistance to doing the things that we would need to do in order to make the change.
Why does this happen? Because the Ego’s goal is to keep the human in suffering mode (when we humans suffer, the Ego gets to stay in charge of our lives). So, since suffering is the result the Ego wants, what better way than to keep the human oscillating between believing she has control over changing for the better and then convincing her that she sucks and won’t be able to sustain what she set out to do.
Additionally, more madness that goes on is that we believe that “I” as the Self is the one who thinks it’s a good idea to change because, again, we have been led to believe that there is something wrong with us. When you take a step back and observe what’s really going on though, you have to ask, “Well, WHO REALLY is the person who believes there is something wrong with me?” “What standard of perfection am I being judged against and WHO made up those rules?”
If you are arguing in your head right now and saying, “Well, ME, I made them up. I think it’s a good idea to make this change,” then I would encourage you to read Ms. Huber’s book because apparently that’s the trap we all fall into. We BELIEVE that we are the person who judges ourselves as being wrong and we are the person who made up the rules by which we need to change ourselves so that we can be loved and accepted, however, that is not the case.
Apparently, there is a program running in our head (known as the Ego) that convinces us that we are bad and wrong and we need to do all kinds of things to “be better” and “be acceptable.” What I’m coming to learn regarding resistance is that we need to be able to distinguish between the Ego voice running about in our heads who pulls the wool over our eyes making us think that we are “IT” and our true, peaceful, authentic Self who loves us exactly as we are and wants us to remember that we are already awesome and the things that we choose to do are because we want to do them, not because we have to do them.
In Cheri Huber’s book, she refers to the authentic Self voice as our compassionate and loving Mentor (other texts has referred to that part of us as our Higher Self).
Bottom line, when you hear a voice in your head that tries to convince you that you need to take on a change initiative to be better because you suck, think twice about taking on that initiative. You are awesome exactly as you are and transcending resistance is about remembering that you are awesome. In addition, if you do choose to take on a goal or change because you truly want to in your Soul, then be wary of any voice in your head that tells you to stop or tells you that it’s too hard or you don’t want to. Start to observe and investigate whether that voice in your head is a truth-teller or is spewing lies. Chances are, if the voice isn’t kind, then it’s spewing garbage.
To transcend resistance, remember that you are already awesome exactly as you are. Remember that the voice in your head that is unkind is NOT YOU. Remember that you can take on goals and initiatives that you choose to do because you love it, not because you have to do it in order to make yourself good, right, or better.
You already are good, right, and great. You just need to remember that and learn to not believe the stories the unkind voice in your head is telling you, but rather listen to the voice of your compassionate, loving Mentor because that is the voice who truly has your back.
Have you set goals that come from your Heart or do you have goals on your list that you think you have to do in order to be a better person? I’d like to encourage us to have more goals that are Heart-based rather than head-based in order to live a life that is truly fulfilling for us. Enjoy your life more, by having goals that are set in joy.
With much love and high-fives to your awesomeness!